Why Non-Verbal Communication Can Lead Us Astray.
One of our personality questionnaires that is widely used is the 'Communication Style' questionnaire. This questionnaire indicates how people prefer to communicate. Are they inclined to take the lead in a conversation or to give others space? Or does that perhaps change during a conversation? Do they pay attention to the relationship with the other person or do they prefer to get straight to the point? People differ in how they behave in a conversation and also in what they prefer to talk about. The questionnaire is a wonderful, accessible way to understand why communication with one person flows more smoothly than with another, where conflicts may arise, and where people can complement each other nicely.
Different communication styles also involve so-called 'non-verbal communication'. Non-verbal communication is everything that does not involve language, such as body language, facial expressions, intonation, and gestures. According to a study by Mehrabian and Ferris dating back to 1967, only 7% of our communication is the words we speak. 93% is non-verbal communication, of which 38% is vocal tone and 55% is body language. Thus, we evaluate the messages we receive from others based on language to a small extent and to a much greater extent on what the other person shows or expresses. But what if someone doesn't show much non-verbally...?
Among the various communication styles in our Communication Style questionnaire, those who mainly prefer to talk about content (results, agreements, processes, goals, details, etc.) can sometimes be more difficult to 'read'. They are generally less expressive in their facial expressions, making it difficult for others to understand them. What does the other person think, feel, or believe? If we can't see that in the other person, we are often inclined to fill it in: the other person has no opinion, isn't interested, doesn't understand what is being said, etc. And that's where communication can go wrong, because we make incorrect assumptions.
For those who find it difficult to read body language to gauge how the other person is in the conversation: test your assumptions! Ask about the other person's opinion. Test whether what you say raises questions, for example. We often advise the 'senders': if people can't see how you feel about something or what your opinion is, then tell them. Just because others can't see it in you doesn't mean you don't have an opinion or feeling! What are you enthusiastic about? What are your concerns? That takes practice, for both sender and receiver, but continuing to check can prevent so much miscommunication.
'Want to know more about how this works for those who express themselves in a more expressive way?
Read our upcoming blog "What you see isn't always what you get - part 2" soon.